*freedom

On the brink of National Infertility Awareness Week next week my mind has wandered back to when I finally became a mom and one of the pictures that holds so much emotion for me. To you it may look like a picture of me kissing a baby, but to me I see so much more. When Milo was born he didn’t come from my body, he didn’t have my smile or my husband’s eyes but I thought he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen in my life. I didn’t labor for 8 hrs, or 38 hrs….I labored for him for almost 8 yrs. I didn’t get to lay in my bed and snuggle with my newborn son while he nursed ~ I had to sit on the edge of my noisy (understatement) pull-out “bed” and feed him with a bottle or walk around the 8x8 hospital room I was sharing with his birthmom trying not to let him cry too much so that we wouldn’t wake her up. After 2 days and 2 nights of no sleep and my husband not with us (during the night), the second night after literally falling asleep standing up for a second I asked the nurse to take him to the nursery for two hours….then I felt guilty and cried quietly to myself. I didn’t get to rejoice and relax after his birth because I loved this child with all my heart and soul, yet I was terrified that I would leave without him. I was so stressed I couldn’t eat, yet I was so hungry that when I ate I felt sick. I had no rights to the decisions made about him in the hospital. We listened as some of the nurses made hurtful remarks and I wondered if they knew how badly my heart had been broken would they have been more kind with their words and actions. He was the gift we had dreamed of for so so long, yet I knew our gift came at a deep loss to someone else….someone I cared so deeply for and about. I kissed this baby boy one morning and left the hospital with the heart-wrenching fear that I would never hold or see him again. I cried in heartbreak watching my son’s first mother leave the hospital without him and the words “thank you” sounding so small as I choked them out. So this picture you see was taken shortly after arriving at our hotel suite and finally being united as a family all by ourselves…just the 3 of us together. Nobody watching us parent, telling us what we could or could not do. Nobody casting judgement. I was kissing MY son…our son. I was laying on my bed and I was cuddling him until we fell asleep. That feeling was pure bliss and there really are no words that describe how happy I was in that moment of simple freedom to love my baby the way I wanted and needed to….no there are no words.