perspective*

I'm afraid my thoughts in this post are going to be all over the place and a bit scattered, but there's been so much on my mind the last few weeks and I really want to try and express them. This is mainly for my own sake ~ I know that I will need these words to come back to from time to time....to remind me of what's important.

A little over 5 weeks ago, I went into the hospital for surgery to remove my thyroid. I was anxious and emotional about this for many different reasons, but my main fear...a fear that left me feeling a panic attack coming on...was that I wouldn't wake up from the surgery. That I would leave my son without a mother....the panic I felt at not being there to witness his life was almost enough to put me into hysteria when I was told it was time to go into surgery.....that was until the "cocktain" they gave me kicked in. ;)  I will say that leaving my house...leaving Milo... the morning of my surgery was very emotional for me...but I knew I had done all I could do and the future was out of my control. I made sure that Milo and I spent the prior day together not doing anything but having fun and enjoying each other's company. It was such a wonderful day and I felt really good about that.

I was very happy to find myself awake a few hours later and trying to communicate to the nurse that I was nauseas. ;) I vaguely remember the hours after that except that I did know everything went really well during the surgery. yay. ;) I know Matt, my mom and dad were all there with smiles on their faces. ;) I remember feeling really bad that I couldn't stay awake to talk to them. ;) I remember the nurses trying to get me to get up and walk and I thought they were crazy! I remember my night time nurse was so very kind and sweet and I wasn't even mad at her when I had to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and she tricked me into walking around the floor....twice. ;) I remember by morning I was so uncomfortable in that hospital bed and my heels felt like they were digging into the bed....I actually had what felt like blisters on them after I got home. I remember being SO happy to go home that day but having no idea what was ahead of me. I remember feeling like I had the worst sore throat in the world, that I couldn't speak above a whisper and that it felt like someone's hands were clenched around my neck. I hadn't thought of that part....the part where I have neck "issues" and easily feel suffocated and claustrophobic when it comes to my neck.....I also didn't really remember that they put a scopolamine patch behind my ear to help with the nausea I get from anesthesia....:(

Without going into all the "gory" details....I ended up with withdrawal symptoms from leaving the patch on for 3 days after my surgery. I had forgotten it was there and nobody had told me when I should take it off....just that when I did, I needed to be sure to wash my hands....which I did ~ thoroughly. The next morning I woke up and my eyes were dilated, I was nauseas, dizzy, everything blurred when I moved and I had a horrible headache. Lovely. This is the state I was in for a week and a half. All I could do was lay in bed with my eyes closed....that was the only way I was "comfortable"....besides all the other standard recovery things going on....needless to say I felt pretty miserable. It was lonely and I felt so "inside" of myself...trapped. I didn't have a voice in any sense of the word. By Wednesday, I felt like my body was just "shutting down" ~ I had absolutely no energy in any of my muscles....thankfully my surgeon was able to get me onto a prescription for thyroid replacement and that started to help. Anyway....this post really isn't about all the details of my surgery. ;) It's about the time I spent in bed praying every hour for a week and a half that God would make me better.

I had a lot of time to think...and listen to "my" life going on around me...just wondering when in the world I was going to feel good enough to join it again. I was brought to tears from time to time hearing Milo cry and knowing I wasn't there to comfort him....or hearing him laugh and knowing I wasn't there to laugh with him or to see what he thought was so funny. These may sound like trivial things to you.....but until your health is swept out from underneath you....you truly don't realize how these normal everyday "mundane" moments are what make life worth living. My thoughts quite frequently reflected back to two women specifically, although I know countless women have been in their shoes. These two women I knew more personally and these two young  women lost their lives to cancer this year. These women lay in their beds knowing that they WEREN'T going to get better....that they wouldn't see their children grow up....that their children would be left without a mother...their husbands without a wife...that they wouldn't be there to wipe the tears or laugh the belly laughs....and the pain I felt for them was almost unbearable. All I wanted in those moments of reflection was to be present.....truly present in each and every moment of my life...with Milo....with my husband....with my family....with my LIFE. We only get one.

It's so easy to want more, to wish that certain things were different, to wish I could family plan, get pregnant, have as many children as I want, adopt again, give Milo a sibling...that financial stresses were less, that we were able to do more.....but ALL I wanted is those dark moments was my life back. My life ~ as it was ~ was all I wanted. It was enough. I've been a slave for so long to seeking something "better" something "more" that would complete my happiness or make my life more than it was. If I could only have a child, if I could only give my child a sibling, if we could only make more money, if we could do this ~ if we could do that.....all along life passes us by....day by day, moment by moment. Gone.

We never know how long we have on this earth ~ to hug, hold, and be present with those we love. Our adoption homestudy expires at the end of this month and although that means a chapter is closing in our life and our family building journey....and it makes me sad....I will no longer be a slave to my circumstances. I am choosing happiness and I am choosing to be present with my beautiful and amazing son....even on the days that aren't so easy.  I am choosing to believe that where I am is exactly where I'm supposed to be. And that it is ALL enough.

They got my thyroid and I got perspective.;)

I don't feel that my words truly portray what happened inside my heart through all of this, but I hope I can come back to these words when I lose my way and that they will remind me once again that what is in front of me is all that matters and that living my life is so much more important and fulfilling than watching it pass by as I wish for more.