Happy 4th Birthday Beautiful Boy!!

Oh Milo ~ it just doesn’t seem possible that you are turning four years old! I mean, wasn’t it just yesterday that I held you for the first time after dreaming of you for eight long years? Wasn’t it just yesterday that you graced this world with your beautiful soul and made us a mommy and daddy? I remember very clearly the moment I saw you enter this world and how much I fell in love with you in that very second. YOU are the one we waited so long for and there is SO much to love about you. I try to capture “who” you are each year around your birthday and I never feel that words convey what a blessing it is to witness your life, but here goes……

The way you LOVE Ninjago with a passion and how you’ve been so excited about your Ninjago costume birthday party for a LONG time, , the way you taught yourself how to ride your bike without training wheels right after your 3^rd birthday, the way you say “come ON mom” with a teenager attitude, the way you think mommy is also “the boss” of daddy, the way you have called us Matt and Sweets for months now, the way you carry on conversations with yourself or your toys that show what a huge imagination you have, the way you know you grew in Heidi’s tummy and the way you “deliver” babies all day long for me to take care of, the way you love to go outside and play with your neighborhood friends every afternoon, the amazingly impressive way you can play video games, the way you ask me all day long “can you pay wis me?”, the way you think that once you turn four you’re automatically going to grow big and tall enough to ride a motorcycle all by yourself, the way you love your preschool teacher Mrs. Richardson, the way you want a “rock & roll” room which means you want guitars and peace signs, the way you constantly remind me that until you’re ready to do something mommy should just sit back and wait, the way you’re learning how to dribble the basketball, the way you bat left handed, the way you tried to play on a soccer team but it just didn’t work out, you’re infatuation with trophies, the way you ask “why not” ALL DAY LONG, the way you beg me to be the “kissy fonster” and then love to wipe all my kisses off, the heartmelting way you will wake up in the middle of the night to say “mama, I lub you”, the way you want to be just like your daddy, the way you told me that you decided when you get big you want to work construction and work for the power factory that blows lots of steam, the way you love to work with your tools, the way you want to help with everything, your crazy good coordination skills, the way you know your whole name and the way you say your first one “Mallow”, the way you walk different when you’re thinking you’re really cool, the tender way you love babies, the way you want to cuddle a little bit more than last year, the way you love to play with your cousins, the way you can now walk along side the cart for short trips and you think that’s really cool, the way if I tell you something has corn in it…you put it back, the way you LOVE to bring me flowers…no matter whose yard you have to pick them out of, the way you say “ya, sure” if something sounds really cool but you don’t want to act TOO excited about it, the way you are ALL ABOUT DADDY as soon as he gets done working, the way you say “I lost my home” when we’re driving and you don’t know where we are, your amazingly keen sense of direction, your LOVE of shaving cream, your love of candy, the way you’re starting to be interested in stories, the obsession you have with brushing your teeth…or more specifically toothpaste, the way you like to take a shower by yourself because you’re a “big boy”, the way you ask daddy to “get those things off your face” (whiskers), the way you love to play slap jack, the way you HATE losing but we’re working on that, the way you just can NOT stand still to get dressed no matter what, the way you say you “need to put your dress on” because I say let’s get “dressed”, the way you save every single penny you get but don’t want to spend any on the toys you want, the way you say “it’s so bery special to me” if there’s something you don’t want to share, the way you figured out how to pop a wheelie on your bike going up the curb, the way you love cheeseburgers from In and Out and call it a “hangabur”, your beautiful sparkley eyes and your smile that lights up the world, the way you suddenly have to go potty any time you’re in time out, the way you incessantly talk about “poop”,the way you can go from passed out sleeping to 100 mph within a second,your LOVE of Scooby Doo movies ….especially the Vampire one, the way you cast sleeping spells on us that you learned from the Vampire Scooby Doo movie, the way you remember EVERYTHING, that fact you still love Tinker Bell, the way you think every word that starts with an “M” says Milo, how you love to dress up in your costumes….especially Kai, the way you love to sing and hum and how you can hear a tune once and repeat it on your own, the way you love and need to know “who’s birthday next?”, how you overcame your fear of swimming lessons and learned to SWIM all by yourself without wings, the way you LOVE soobies (smoothies), the way you say “THAT’S not right” while laughing if something sounds silly, how you still need and want your monkeys for comfort and sleeping, the way you are so interested in figuring out how everyone in the family relates to one another (ie Papa is mama’s daddy) and what their names are…..and why some people have a different last name than you do but they are still your family, the way you call your cousins your “brothers”, the way you say “mama don’t TALK a me like dat” when I say something stearn because that’s what I say to you when you’re being sassy, the way you want daddy to play power rangers with you almost every night, the way you find JOY in just about everything you do and how that joy radiates from your sweet soul. We have SO much to learn from you my beautiful boy ~ out of all the little boys in the world….how did we get so lucky to find YOU!

Happy 4^th Birthday to YOU….Our dream come TRUE!!!!!!

*freedom

On the brink of National Infertility Awareness Week next week my mind has wandered back to when I finally became a mom and one of the pictures that holds so much emotion for me. To you it may look like a picture of me kissing a baby, but to me I see so much more. When Milo was born he didn’t come from my body, he didn’t have my smile or my husband’s eyes but I thought he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen in my life. I didn’t labor for 8 hrs, or 38 hrs….I labored for him for almost 8 yrs. I didn’t get to lay in my bed and snuggle with my newborn son while he nursed ~ I had to sit on the edge of my noisy (understatement) pull-out “bed” and feed him with a bottle or walk around the 8x8 hospital room I was sharing with his birthmom trying not to let him cry too much so that we wouldn’t wake her up. After 2 days and 2 nights of no sleep and my husband not with us (during the night), the second night after literally falling asleep standing up for a second I asked the nurse to take him to the nursery for two hours….then I felt guilty and cried quietly to myself. I didn’t get to rejoice and relax after his birth because I loved this child with all my heart and soul, yet I was terrified that I would leave without him. I was so stressed I couldn’t eat, yet I was so hungry that when I ate I felt sick. I had no rights to the decisions made about him in the hospital. We listened as some of the nurses made hurtful remarks and I wondered if they knew how badly my heart had been broken would they have been more kind with their words and actions. He was the gift we had dreamed of for so so long, yet I knew our gift came at a deep loss to someone else….someone I cared so deeply for and about. I kissed this baby boy one morning and left the hospital with the heart-wrenching fear that I would never hold or see him again. I cried in heartbreak watching my son’s first mother leave the hospital without him and the words “thank you” sounding so small as I choked them out. So this picture you see was taken shortly after arriving at our hotel suite and finally being united as a family all by ourselves…just the 3 of us together. Nobody watching us parent, telling us what we could or could not do. Nobody casting judgement. I was kissing MY son…our son. I was laying on my bed and I was cuddling him until we fell asleep. That feeling was pure bliss and there really are no words that describe how happy I was in that moment of simple freedom to love my baby the way I wanted and needed to….no there are no words.

perspective*

I'm afraid my thoughts in this post are going to be all over the place and a bit scattered, but there's been so much on my mind the last few weeks and I really want to try and express them. This is mainly for my own sake ~ I know that I will need these words to come back to from time to time....to remind me of what's important.

A little over 5 weeks ago, I went into the hospital for surgery to remove my thyroid. I was anxious and emotional about this for many different reasons, but my main fear...a fear that left me feeling a panic attack coming on...was that I wouldn't wake up from the surgery. That I would leave my son without a mother....the panic I felt at not being there to witness his life was almost enough to put me into hysteria when I was told it was time to go into surgery.....that was until the "cocktain" they gave me kicked in. ;)  I will say that leaving my house...leaving Milo... the morning of my surgery was very emotional for me...but I knew I had done all I could do and the future was out of my control. I made sure that Milo and I spent the prior day together not doing anything but having fun and enjoying each other's company. It was such a wonderful day and I felt really good about that.

I was very happy to find myself awake a few hours later and trying to communicate to the nurse that I was nauseas. ;) I vaguely remember the hours after that except that I did know everything went really well during the surgery. yay. ;) I know Matt, my mom and dad were all there with smiles on their faces. ;) I remember feeling really bad that I couldn't stay awake to talk to them. ;) I remember the nurses trying to get me to get up and walk and I thought they were crazy! I remember my night time nurse was so very kind and sweet and I wasn't even mad at her when I had to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and she tricked me into walking around the floor....twice. ;) I remember by morning I was so uncomfortable in that hospital bed and my heels felt like they were digging into the bed....I actually had what felt like blisters on them after I got home. I remember being SO happy to go home that day but having no idea what was ahead of me. I remember feeling like I had the worst sore throat in the world, that I couldn't speak above a whisper and that it felt like someone's hands were clenched around my neck. I hadn't thought of that part....the part where I have neck "issues" and easily feel suffocated and claustrophobic when it comes to my neck.....I also didn't really remember that they put a scopolamine patch behind my ear to help with the nausea I get from anesthesia....:(

Without going into all the "gory" details....I ended up with withdrawal symptoms from leaving the patch on for 3 days after my surgery. I had forgotten it was there and nobody had told me when I should take it off....just that when I did, I needed to be sure to wash my hands....which I did ~ thoroughly. The next morning I woke up and my eyes were dilated, I was nauseas, dizzy, everything blurred when I moved and I had a horrible headache. Lovely. This is the state I was in for a week and a half. All I could do was lay in bed with my eyes closed....that was the only way I was "comfortable"....besides all the other standard recovery things going on....needless to say I felt pretty miserable. It was lonely and I felt so "inside" of myself...trapped. I didn't have a voice in any sense of the word. By Wednesday, I felt like my body was just "shutting down" ~ I had absolutely no energy in any of my muscles....thankfully my surgeon was able to get me onto a prescription for thyroid replacement and that started to help. Anyway....this post really isn't about all the details of my surgery. ;) It's about the time I spent in bed praying every hour for a week and a half that God would make me better.

I had a lot of time to think...and listen to "my" life going on around me...just wondering when in the world I was going to feel good enough to join it again. I was brought to tears from time to time hearing Milo cry and knowing I wasn't there to comfort him....or hearing him laugh and knowing I wasn't there to laugh with him or to see what he thought was so funny. These may sound like trivial things to you.....but until your health is swept out from underneath you....you truly don't realize how these normal everyday "mundane" moments are what make life worth living. My thoughts quite frequently reflected back to two women specifically, although I know countless women have been in their shoes. These two women I knew more personally and these two young  women lost their lives to cancer this year. These women lay in their beds knowing that they WEREN'T going to get better....that they wouldn't see their children grow up....that their children would be left without a mother...their husbands without a wife...that they wouldn't be there to wipe the tears or laugh the belly laughs....and the pain I felt for them was almost unbearable. All I wanted in those moments of reflection was to be present.....truly present in each and every moment of my life...with Milo....with my husband....with my family....with my LIFE. We only get one.

It's so easy to want more, to wish that certain things were different, to wish I could family plan, get pregnant, have as many children as I want, adopt again, give Milo a sibling...that financial stresses were less, that we were able to do more.....but ALL I wanted is those dark moments was my life back. My life ~ as it was ~ was all I wanted. It was enough. I've been a slave for so long to seeking something "better" something "more" that would complete my happiness or make my life more than it was. If I could only have a child, if I could only give my child a sibling, if we could only make more money, if we could do this ~ if we could do that.....all along life passes us by....day by day, moment by moment. Gone.

We never know how long we have on this earth ~ to hug, hold, and be present with those we love. Our adoption homestudy expires at the end of this month and although that means a chapter is closing in our life and our family building journey....and it makes me sad....I will no longer be a slave to my circumstances. I am choosing happiness and I am choosing to be present with my beautiful and amazing son....even on the days that aren't so easy.  I am choosing to believe that where I am is exactly where I'm supposed to be. And that it is ALL enough.

They got my thyroid and I got perspective.;)

I don't feel that my words truly portray what happened inside my heart through all of this, but I hope I can come back to these words when I lose my way and that they will remind me once again that what is in front of me is all that matters and that living my life is so much more important and fulfilling than watching it pass by as I wish for more.

Splash!

I know it's been a while....lots of shifting going on in this household....upcoming surgery, toddler challenges, attempted scorpion removal, "life" in general and trying to stay cool in this miserable heat.

We did quite a bit of work around the house yesterday especially in the front and back yard in attempt to decrease the number of scorpions we have been seeing lately. Plus, you know how when things are cluttered, it kind of clutters your mind too? Well, that's how I've been feeling lately about our back patio area and the pluthera of toys/ball/dirt/towels/stuff that had accumulated right outside the backdoor. I guess that's what happens when you don't spend any time there and it's a dropping place coming to and from the swimming pool. :) Anyway ~ it looks SO much better and Matt also worked really hard to trim down all the bushes and mow the grass. I feel like I can breathe again! :)

So after Milo woke up from his nap (by the way ~ he was a SUPER good helper for daddy) we decided to go get a treat at Starbucks. Milo got a Strawberries N Cream frapp and he LOVED it! That was the first time he's ever gotten anything at Starbucks....we tried Chocolate Milk once or twice but he really doesn't like it. We then went into downtown Gilbert and Matt thought it would be fun to stop by the splashpark they have and let Milo run around for a little while. It was so hot, but we did it anyway. ;) These are some of the pictures I took from our day yesterday :)

 this one cracks me up ~ he was reacting to the leaf blower turning on. ;) he stands with his little hands on his hips all the time.......

Here are some from the splash pad ~ if Milo can play in water....he is oh so happy! :)

i can't get this one to rotate, but thought it was funny....so did milo ;)

It was a good day! :)

Swimming Lessons

Well ~ I've tried several times to post about our trip to New Mexico but I'm having issues with blogger so ~ I will keep trying and hopefully I'll be able to get that up soon! :)

We started swimming lessons on Monday and while I can't say that they are going smoothly.....we are trooping through them and learning techniques as we go. ;)
Here's the big boy before we left this morning. :)

I think this is hilarious because the way I've been getting him to smile for me lately is to ask him to show me his teeth. ;) That's exactly what he is doing here! ;)

Unanswered Prayers

Each week Grandpa GG sends out a "gazette" to update us on all the things going on in his life. I always look forward to receiving this because it's more like reading a story than reading and "update". :) For anyone who knows Grandpa GG ~ he just has a way with words and has ALWAYS been a GREAT story teller and writer.  He truly has a gift and I have enjoyed this gift since the time I was a little girl. :)
This week he thanked me for updating my blog (you're welcome Granpda!) and he also added these words. These words were very powerful for me and left me literally in tears of thankfulness. I couldn't have explained my heart any better than he did. :) I wanted to share them, and tell Grandpa GG ~ THANK YOU for honoring this beautiful person and for having the loving and thankful heart that we do as well. :)

"I used to be resentful and angry with God because HE would not remedy your inability to conceive. Now I know why he forced us to live through that time and made us be patient when we did not want to be patient. I know now that God was saying "OK, just go ahead and be mad at me and say I'm unjust. I can take it.....but just wait until you see what I have in store for you"!!! And my God, it was Milo, so beautifully sculptured by the hand of God. When I am with him I am mesmerized by his beauty and at 83 years of age, I know I will not live to see God perfect him into the beautiful man we will be. But I am just thankful that I got to see him at all and witness his beauty and bask in the joy that he brings to our family. I am so thankful that I got to live long enough to see the fulfillment of our long hope!"

Thank you Grandpa ~ I love you and I thank you for loving the beautiful person God chose for our family. :)

The Many Faces of Milo :)

While we were eating dinner last night Milo was just making lots of funny faces that we get to see often but others don't really get to. I decided to take out my camera and try to catch a few. :)